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September 30 My sonYesterday he saw the page of my blog and the photos of the house appeared--"That's our house!" he exclaimed, instantly recognizing the shape of wood and sheetrock. I think I've tried to express it to him that we are building a house and that the apartment is only temporary. I'm trying to show him the stages of building so he can get excited about it and understand what a lot of work goes into building a house. It's amazing when I see he actually understands. And today he got to see his grandmother's new house, since they moved some furniture in today. He loved running through the halls and the kitchen! He pretended to be a racecar, a cat, Stephanie and Sportacus from "Lazy Town", and a golf pro. He has such a great imagination, and so often his ideas of what something is are simplified versions of the truth. He has amazing perception . . . Yesterday, he and I looked around at Lowe's to look at refrigerators and to look at paint colors for our new house. I tried to get him to pick colors he liked, but I can't be sure he really understood what I was asking. But I think he had a lot of fun, especially since he told grandma about it today. He was so sweet and so funny, then I passed out on the sofa to take a nap. When I woke up, I found out E had taken a nap in the bedroom while I was asleep. C went in to see him, and I heard him ask,"Where's E?" He and Millie looked around, then found him curled up on the floor in the closet with a little blue ball in his hand. Just adorable! :) Precious boy . . . I'm gonna go night-night now. Write more later. Luv ya, peeps! Take care, R September 28 A Good DayE and I had a good day today. The weather was lovely, a cool breeze, sunshine . . . We spent the afternoon and evening with my mother-in-law, first having coffee at Starbucks and then chatting and being lazy on the sofa. C called while I was there to see how everyone was doing. Me: Oh, just being lazy . . . C: Well, that makes sense because you're Mexican . . . (He knows I hate those kind of jokes!) Me: You are SOOOO sleeping on the floor tonight! (Yeah, sofa's too good for that man right now!) He was kidding of course. But he IS sleeping on the floor! Millie had an embarassing moment at the Starbucks that I can't talk about. I don't want her to be humiliated in cyberspace, too! But E's reaction was funny to such a surprise--he ran and hid behind my legs, then laughed at Grandma in the car. Then I got to tell C about it later when he came by for dinner. Millie made chicken and dumplings! It was good. We did NOT tell her husband about it. He would never let her hear the end of it. So she told me how he had locked his house and car keys in their new house and they had to have a relative come and let them in! Heehee! He so rarely makes mistakes we know about, I've really got to milk this one for all it's worth! He can act like we are all so stupid and irrational--payback time, baby! Thought today was Wednesday all day. I hate when I lose a day like that. Now I'm going to bed and waking up on Friday. Weird. Well, better get some sleep. This night blogger has to get some beauty sleep. Well, I could probably sleep all day and never improve my appearance. But I feel better after a full night's sleep. This house thing is preying on my nerves and affecting my sleep, though. Nightmares, stress, breakouts, hair falling out . . . I need more than beauty sleep right now! Take care, peeps. R September 27 Walls . . .Yeah, I'm sure I have walls, the symbolism is there. But I mean to talk about the house. I drove by today and saw the walls and the beginning of a roof! We may be on track after all . . . They say we have until the end of November for a possible closing date, so I guess we can prepare our 60-day notice with our apartment complex. Yeah, I've never lived in a place that required 60 days, just 30, so this seems like overkill, but whatta ya gonna do. Went to a new Starbucks and spent C's money. I'm not supposed to, since I get a sort of "allowance"--not that it's as insulting as that, but that's the only word I can think of for it. I guess I could call it a weekly budget for incidental or discretionary expenses. But I went anyway. I was thirsty and E needed a break from driving. We went for a drive in our future neighborhood, such as it is. There's not much out there, just farms and empty land. That sounds like it might be pretty, but it's really scarce for trees and rather flat. Nearest I can tell, much of Fort Worth looks just like this. When there are buildings, they are almost always industrial complexes or storage places. Maybe some housing. Ugh! Where am I going to buy groceries?! The closest store I could find is an Albertson's and a Wal-Mart, neither of which were very close. It's really starting to bum me out. I kinda started thinking that maybe I am only "tolerating" Fort Worth right now, feeling like we are going to move again in the near future. That may not be true, so I may as well start warming up to the place. But it's hard when you come from a place you love to something so close, yet so different. I keep expecting it to be what I expect, which it won't be. That probably makes no sense, and if it does, you need to cut back on your drinkin'. But I said it anyway, just in case it really does make sense to those who are sane and sober. I like our apartment's neighborhood, mostly for conveniences and not for a view, but there is a small to moderate hill nearby. And a couple of small parks. But I think houses are too expensive here, or else the taxes are too high. Oh, well. There is a dog missing here that looks a lot like my dog. There are flyers up by the mailboxes. The kid the dog belongs to saw my dog and I was afraid she would think I stole her dog, but she said her dog is a little bit darker. Whew! But everyone else seems to think I lost MY dog, and they ask if I found him already, or if I had been so depressed from losing him that they hadn't seen me in a while. No, I was just sick. But I'm doing better. Except for the mood. It comes and goes. Well, that's all I have to say right now. I will come back when I have some more bitchin' to do. Take care! R September 26 Things no one tells you about . . .. . . when you grow up:
Hubby C had a bad day at work. I think he's gettting tired of news. Producers were yelling at him today for something silly. Then he worked hard all day, harder than he had to work in San Antonio. He can job hunt after we close on the house, I guess. He was thinking about moving to a post-production house instead. Harder work, but less monotonous. I can see the appeal. Well, I have shown my appreciation by blogging more regularly. I hope you all understand why sometimes I can't get to the computer. Every time I sit at the keyboard my son instantly has an intense desire to play video games--no matter how long he's been playing them all day, no matter how quick I'm going to be, no matter how many cool toys he has around. I guess I'm a night blogger! That sounds kinda cool! Later, peeps! Take care! R September 25 Mini-CrisisI didn't write about it before, for no particular reason, but there was a problem with the house. I noticed last Friday that the floorplan was reversed from what I thought it would be. I guess I thought I would be okay with it and I didn't want to stress out about it and make it a bigger deal than it should be. So I tried to just wait until Monday and call my realtor. But all weekend I had nightmares about the house! Last night I had a dream that we moved in to the house and found out after the fact that we had to share the house with someone else. In my dream, it had been added to the contract and we didn't see it. Or else the house is now built in to a hospital. Or a bunch of other things that feel beyond my control . . . I talked to the realtor today. She took the time out of her day to take me to a couple of houses that had the same floorplan reversed. We even got to walk through one that wasn't finished out. I liked it. I think I would rather the house be the way I thought it would be, and the builder is on thin ice with me. I tell you, any future apologies by them will cost money! I should have figured out how to negotiate some upgrades or a discount, but I'm just not good at that. I'm not a hardass. Maybe that's a fault, I don't know. But I won't be so nice next time! And it's partly because I don't want to wait to have yet another house built the way I want. I want out of this 1-bedroom apartment. So, otherwise there is not much going on here. Life is as usual. My mom and sis were with me on Friday as we drove down to the homesite. I mentioned the discrepancy, but I was still happy to see wood framing starting. They went with me to Half-Price Books, too, for a little shopping. It's a nice store in Watauga, bigger than usual, and full of magazines. Not all of the Half-Price stores have those anymore. And we went to Starbucks and laughed about old times. I miss the days when we were all so close. It seems like my mother is more distant now. We hardly ever talk and she doesn't say anything to me like she loves me or that she's proud of me . . . I may be 35, but those things are always good to hear from your parents! I know she's just not a sentimental or emotional person. But the memories we reminisced about were times when we each knew the other enjoyed the company. I guess I'm supposed to just know that the gesture of driving up for a day is a gesture that means "I love you". I guess I'm supposed to be okay with that and not expect more from people than what they can give. I guess. But my feelings are never logical, are they? I'm always mushy with my son. He seems to enjoy the cuddling and kisses. I love the way he laughs even at my stupid jokes. He thought it was funny that I pretended to try to steal his cookie at the Starbucks, then told me to do it over and over again. And how much he loved going through the vacant house we saw today! Once we got back to the realtor's office, he smiled and said, "That was fun!" At least he's not stressed out about building a house! I need to adopt a little of that attitude, I think. I should be grateful to have a house at all! And we finally have two cars now, something we could not afford in San Antonio. So I should count my blessings . . . Eh, I'm bipolar . . . I guess that won't happen! Okay, enough whining. I will update the home situation as info becomes available. Maybe I'll even make some friends and have more to talk about than wood and concrete. I'm shy, though. That's what's great about blogging. You don't have to feel shy. I might even say too much here, for all I know. But I'm not afraid to say it, which is good. I'm less shy than in school. A cold sweat would wash over me if I thought a teacher would call on me to answer a question. It's almost like I could feel it. And 99% of the time, they really did call on me when I got that feeling. I used to think I was psychic! Well, time to get the pets ready for bed, since all of my other bedtime routine bits are done. I have ABSOLUTELY NO rhythm going on here tonight, no real pattern or organization. Not my best writing. But I'm just ALL in my head tonight. Stream of consciousness . . . Sorry, I know it's hard to follow. But my wrists hurt from typing and I don't want to go through this again tonight to make more sense. It's a lot of work to post this senselessness! I hope you can appreciate that. The love is there, peeps. It's really there. Take care, R September 24 Another attempt . . . . . . at posting some photos! I'll let you folks see my woodframe. It's lovely! Well, it's lovely if you've been waiting for it and if you really can't wait to move in! The whole idea of moving doesn't sound like fun after we moved between cities recently. But I'd like to have someof my stuff back. I think I'll need some shoes! I only brought a pair of summer sandals and some sneakers. And I have no coat or sweater should it get chilly, and it could be chilly soon. Everything is in storage in San Antonio. Perhaps a trip down there soon will be in order. I hope gas prices don't go up. C had an $800 repair bill on our truck today, so every penny counts. I plan on eating Tex-Mex for every meal while I'm down there. Allow me to paint a picture for you all, a picture of my apartment without showing you the gritty detail of photos. There is a futon and a chair, which barely fits in the living room, and a coffee table that serves as a tv stand and a computer desk--the tv is small, and there's still barely room for the monitor and the keyboard! And that's the living room. A small dining room with a table and 4 chairs, then a bedroom with my son's racecar bed, a dresser, and some toys. Hmm . . . What am I leaving out? Did you guess yet? I'll give you a minute . . . Okay, I didn't leave anything out. There's a kitchen and a bathroom, both small, and the rooms I mentioned. So hubby and I trade off sleeping on the futon and the floor. Oh, the sacrifices we make for our children . . . And in the hope we will have a house soon . . . Or I'd be really sick of these people! My sister CJ calls and sounds like she misses me now and then. It's nice to be missed after feeling like such an annoyance when I lived nearby. I miss having her to hang out with, and my small circle back home. I haven't made friends here yet, and I could use some people to hang out at Starbucks with me. It's hard to make friends as a stay-at-home mom. I haven't found a job yet, either, but I can't say I'm trying very hard. I think I would like to find something low-stress that still allows me to spend time with my son. Maybe I'm still a bit depressed, even though I've been feeling much better since we first got here. Oh, and a note to people wanting money back for not falling asleep while reading this: What is wrong with you!? You were reading THIS blog, right? Are you sure you didn't click over to another page then comment over here by mistake? Oh, and I will cheerfully refund your purchase price if you are not satisfied. Just send me a copy of the receipt, proof of purchase, a self-addressed, stamped envelope, and $5.00 to cover the postage and handling. That sounds fair, right? See how nice I am? See? See? Why aren't you saying anything? Are you there? Hello? . . . Hello? . . . Okay, one more try to upload the photos . . . Enjoy dwelling on the details of my dwelling! Take care! R September 23 Wood!We have wood! Well, wooden framing anyway . . . Our house is looking more like a house! We could only camp with tents to move into it right now, but . . . Mom and Cheryl visited this Friday. It was nice to see them again. I would make this longer, but I'm not sure if this will work. This blog is acting funny and won't let me upload photos. Let's see if this shows up . . . R September 16 In my head . . .I couldn't sleep last night, but I share the living room/bedroom/office with my husband, also trying to sleep, so I couldn't get up and type. I wrote two entire blog entries in my head last night. Through my sleep-induced daze, I thought they were pretty entertaining, too! But I have no idea this morning if they were or not. Oh, well. Sorry, peeps. C'est la vie. As promised, I will write some of my offline journal from my time without computer or internet here in Fort Worth, if for no other reason than to get it over with. Enjoy? September 1, 2006 Friday Today was the toughest day I've had so far, and not for any particular reason that I can discern. I can't really describe anything that happened, anything that would cause a breakdown like I had, but I just could not seem to hold myself together for very long. Maybe I'd get off the phone with my sister and cry uncontrollably for a few minutes, all the while feeling guilty that my dear son was looking on, and then feeling bad that I feel like I always have to hide my feelings . . . So, what are "feelings", I wonder now? Do they need to have a reason to exist? Can feelings be real if they are only triggered by hormones or some kind of improper chemical breakdown in my brain? How do I know how much of how I feel is related to stress from moving, and how much from sheer lonliness, how much from mental illness . . . I don't know. I don't know much about myself right now, nor do I know what to do to get better. I feel more lost than ever. And I'm in a strange city where the only people I have regular contact with are my mother-in-law, my son, and my husband. I don't have anyone else to turn to if I need help, and I don't know where to find resources here that could offer assistance to someone in my situation. I don't know how to contact support groups or lpaces that could give me medication while I wait for my insurance to become effective. Then there are feelings I have about adding to the stress of those around me; and in the state I"m in, I'm really not sure how much of those feelings are real or invented by mind. How am I supposed to know if I'm being reasonable or logical if I can't tell what is right from wrong? To answer that, I'll probably have to give an example. Today, my mother-in-law called to make lunch plans for this afternoon. I was looking forward to some company, plus the chance to get E out of the house for a while and around some new people. A short time later, she called back to ask if C or I had remembered to get the car seat out of the car. Devastated, I realized that neighter one of us had remembered and I knew that would be it. I guess I'm used to my family, where my mom, dad, or CJ would have driven to C's office to pick it up or else buy another seat (which would come in handy anyway) even with the limited funds that they have at there disposal. (My friend H works at Walgreen's and makes more money than my dad.) But my MiL did none of those things. Instead she heard my crying and said she wished whe could cancel lunch but had been unable to get hold of her sister, so she would come over later. When "later" rolled around, she called me to ask if I was okay. I don't know if I was being moody, but just from the fact that she called instead of coming by and from the fact that I answered, "yeah, I'm okay," (somewhat reluctantly and while sniffling) that it seemed enough for her, but I just let her think so and hung up. Either I was right, and she really didn't feel worried enough to come over, or she didn't think I was okay but felt too tired to come over, neither of which sounded great to me. So did she just have too much going on to take on someone else's problems? Did she just want to avoid what she felt would be inevitable sobbing on my part? Did she just not know what to do? Well, I won't pretend to know. I hurt, though. It hurt to think you don't mean enough for someone to say they are worried but not to do anything about it. And for all of the apologizing she did before we moved here about how much she was going to be over all the time and how she would be "there" for me, it doesn't really feel like that's the case since we moved here. She said she would take me to the emergency room to get meds for me. That was the first week I was here. I guess I feel weird about pestering someone for what would be a favor. And she's been giving me a Lexapro here and there, not enough to affect me, though. I tried a Xanax today in my desperation (my doctor prescribed them for me, but I was too scared or else too "fine" to take them). I don't know if I will take one again. I took it because I wanted to take E to the gym to help work out frustrations and to give us something to do. But E wanted to go swimming instead. And it really frightened me, to be honest, because I thought I might want to drown myself after I got there. Then E would have the trauma of watching that, not knowing why I didn't love him enough not to do it, then being unattended in the pool area . . . He's really what keeps me going . . . But I didn't trust myself in the pool. Okay, this is a longer journal than I thought and my hands are tired. I'll finish this later. I don't want to sound like I'm whining or sad since I've been doing much better since my meds are back--I just want people to understand what depression is really like for people like me, that you don't feel like you have control over your feelings at all, and unlike my father-in-law believes, just getting a job and having something to occupy my time won't help. But things are much better, I want people to know I'm still here and that I didn't forget, but this has just taken longer to complete than I expected and I don't always have time. Take care and keep in touch, peeps! R September 10 Finding a routineAfter a month of waiting, the health insurance is in effect. So I quickly got a doctor's appointment and printed a temporary insurance card, downloaded, printed, and filled out the new patient information form, then got a ride arranged with my mother-in-law. All of this was for an appointment the following morning. So, morning arrives, I get E in the bath, fed breakfast (I didn't get to eat) answered phone calls, put on my makeup, and the usual stuff to get ready to leave the apartment. I get a phone call from my mother-in-law (MIL--no, let's call her Millie) that she is on the way. I take the dog downstairs for a walk, but there are painters with ladders and spraying equipment renovating the complex, so Benny gets scared and runs off. Did I chase after him? No. Why? you might ask. Well, because I didn't even know he ran away until I got upstairs with the baby in my arms and got in the apartment. Three floors up. Just thought I should mention that. I thought he was following me. But I turned around and he wasn't there. A short explanation is in order. You see, Benny is a wussy. A sweet, funny, cuddly, cute wussy. So normally he's too scared to stray too far from me into the unknown, so I can walk him without a leash. Actually, I can't walk him with a leash, because he's so scared of the leash he won't do his business outside. Then it happens all over the apartment carpet. So I realize he's gone, grab my baby and run back down the stairs--three floors--and start hunting for him. I'm calling, I'm searching, I'm freaking out 'cuz I'm gonna be late . . . Then one of the painters asks me if I'm looking for a perrito which he's seen around the corner. Woo hoo! I find my dog, coax him over, and carry him back up. Three floors up. Then it gets worse. The phone's ringing, and it's C reminding me that we forgot to get the car seat out of the car so I can take it in Millie's car. Oh. Great. Now. What. She arrives and I say I might as well buy a car seat since we always seem to forget to keep it with the baby. At least we'd have an extra. But I'm running late for my appointment and I'll have to buy it after. So I arrive on time and have a decent doctor's appointment with a doctor who could be younger than I am. He looked young. That's okay, sometimes I prefer younger doctors. They seem to try harder and listen better. Then I get blood drawn. I hate that. Really hate it. I was traumatized by a sadistic dentist when I was a child and I've never gotten over it. But it went well, and I got new prescriptions to get filled. On to Target. First to the pharmacy, where I find out after a half hour or so that there was a problem with the insurance card I had. It didn't include the prescription coverage. Oh, great. Phone calls galore. Finally get a phone number to give the pharmacy, which they call while I shop for a car seat. Upon returning, I get bad news: I'm not in the computer system with the insurance. The lady just kind of shrugged and turned her back on me, and that was all the stress I could take. With all the waiting, the crying over depression, the worry I wouldn't get a doctor's appointment soon enough, stressed that the doctor wouldn't write my psychiatric prescriptions . . . That was all I could take. So I broke down crying right there in the line at the pharmacy. Two of the pharmacy techs (not the one who turned her back on me) were concerned and gave me some options, which made me feel better. I had been upset that the insurance still wasn't set up properly, that I needed my thyroid meds, and I wasn't confident I was stable enough to go even a short time longer without my psychiatric meds. I could pay and be reimbursed, or wait. The techs gave me a couple of days of "loaner" pills so hopefully I would get the insurance straightened out before I ran out. Today, things are better. I actually did get the insurance straightened out and I have now had my meds for a few days. And my husband got the truck his step-dad was selling. So we have a second car, a second carseat, and things are looking up. I am feeling better, too. I think hope has a lot to do with it. I finally have hope again. How important that is. Well, I will include more of my written journal next time, for some depressing reading. Maybe you need material to help you get some sleep. Whatever floats your boat. I'll be back soon. Take care, R September 08 Return of the computer . . .Well, my cables and my modem, anyway . . . HI. I have been away from this blog for wayyyyy too long, and now I can say that a small sense of what I will call normalcy has returned. I had a recent visit from my sis CJ and from my Dad, who kindly brought my computer goodies with them from storage in San Antonio. I think I was having serious cabin fever without transportation and without my internet to ease the lonliness. Yes, I depend on this internet thing quite a lot to feel connected to the outside world. So much has happened and I've experienced so much since I've last updated this blog, I don't know if I can sit here and write it all (or if anyone would sit here and READ all of the mundane details of my life, for that matter) so I will just enter some selections from my necessary offline journal for now. It's not joyful reading, but it'll give folks keeping track what my life has been like for the past few weeks. Today is Sunday, just over two weeks since I've moved here, and roughly week since I've been out of my medications all together. It's surprising how little time it takes for the meds to be out of my system, since it took so much time to feel any kind of positive effects so long ago. I'm not intentionally off of my meds, but I couldn't refill them before we moved because the insurance wouldn't authorize it, and I can't refill them now because the new insurance hasn't become effective yet. So I'm in between, and out of medications, and I don't like it. I just feel UNSTABLE. I feel like a bomb waiting to go off, a grenade with a rusty, fragile pin . . . Anything can set me off into a tantrum or a lengthy, uncontrollable crying spell. I feel like I have to "act" all day long, trying to pretend NOT to be depressed, just for the sake of those around me. I understand how hard it is for the people who live with bipolar and depressed people--I lived with some myself! They either drive you nuts or worry you sick. I don't know what else to do. I'm going through a period of soul-searching lately as well, just trying to figure out who I am without my family around, without the status quo to keep me from looking FORWARD for a change. So, who am I, really? Who am I when I'm not a mother, wife, or patient? Who do I WANT to be? What do I want out of LIFE? Where do I want to go, and where to I want to have been when I look back? Today, I'm not really sure. I just know what I have never seems to be enough, I don't feel fulfilled, and I don't like who I am. How do I get there? I don't know. I guess I first need to figure out WHAT I want so that I can figure out how to get there. That task is much harder than it sounds. What have I learned about myself since I've been in Fort Worth? Maybe not much, since I know I'm not mentally healthy right now. I love to keep phrases like, "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem," and, "You can't take it back if you change your mind." I think those came from the bipolar group meeting I went to. I wouldn't mind going to more meetings, but I don't have my computer stuff to look up meetings. I can't look up phone numbers, addresses, prices, associations, renew my license, find and update my resume, look for a job . . . I'm lost without my computer. ( note: I did not have a phone book at the time of this writing, either) I miss it. I miss my blog. I may type this later, but as of this writing, my computer cables are 300 miles away in storage. There are some things I like about Fort Worth already. I have met some nice people and I like the softer water. I don't think I'm as driven about food as I was in San Antonio. It just isn't as big a deal here as it was back home. People really care about food there. The accents here are stronger. It's a lot like the tv show "King of the Hill". (note: a LOT) Things are pronounced a bit differently. (even though we're still in Texas) -"TEE-vee" instead of "TEE-VEE" -"SAN'n'TONE" instead of "San Antonio" -"EYE-TAHL-yun" instead of "ih-TAHL-ee-en" (Italian) -"Where you AT?" instead of "Where are you?" It's an entertaining social study. I will write more soon. Thanks for reading, and for those returning, for coming back. Take care, R |
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