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October 31 Ever know your day is going to suck?I mean, really, really, REALLY suck? And I know this in advance, before the day has even begun. Sometimes it's not as bad as you think it's going to turn out, and other times you are surprised by the level of suckiness the day can bring. I hope I'm wrong about today, but let me give you an idea. My son is sick AGAIN. Poor darling. He is going to probably miss the Halloween party his new girlfriend is having at her house. He had a fever last night and cried, "I want to breathe!" most of the evening. It was sad. He is still sick this morning, of course, but doing better than yesterday--so far. It's hard for me when he's ill, partly because I have a lot to do and I can't do it all, and partly because it's hard to see him like that, and to console him when there's not much I can do. Then there's the laundry. Not just any laundry. Not even a LOT of laundry. Actually, a lot of laundry would be better than the single load I have to do today. You see, a week ago on Monday, E threw up all over the kitchen and on his jammies. There wasn't a lot of mess on his jammies, so I just tossed them in the laundry basket. Didn't even think about it all weekend since we didn't have enough laundry for a load yet. Then yesterday (don't know why it wasn't sooner or I wouldn't have forgotten about it) it started to really REALLY smell bad. STINK. No, not just any stink. You say to yourself (or silently under your breath to your computer) that you have had stinky laundry and just suck it up, Bipolar Housewife. Suck it up and do the single load of laundry. But this one load smells like something died in there--like a morgue or the pathway under a house when an opossum gets stuck and dies under there. It's really a Halloweeny experience in the laundry basket--scary and creepy, and gross. I'm afraid there's more than what I think is in there, like I'm in for a horrifying surprise. Gosh, I hope not. Oh, then there's the bad news. Nope, that wasn't it. The bad news is that I'm still looking for a plastic surgeon to do my breast reduction. The first one I called said there weren't any apointments for consultations until January, and the other two haven't gotten back to me yet. There are lots in this area and in Dallas, but not all of them have photos on their websites for the procedure I'm interested in, and I'd really like to see some photos. I just want to know what kind of work the doctor does and how much experience they have that doesn't involve sticking sacks of silicone under someone's nipples. Seems like everyone wants bigger ones, even the doctors. I'd be happy to give some away. Well, I guess that's it. I'm really procrastinating on getting to that laundry. I'd hate to see what would happen if I put it off until tomorrow! Eeeeeeeek! It's scary to think about! Take care (if you dare), R October 28 There are days . . .. . . when I feel like I'm not important at all, and that the things that are important to no one else but me. There are days when I want to apologize to my son for being his mother, when the depression takes hold and I can barely muster the energy to move. I'm stuck on the sofa, wanting so much to get up and play with him, watching him play by himself. And I can do nothing. I just feel sad. Sad. Sad. The inertia is so strong I'm frozen in self-pity, wanting to cry, but wanting to avoid worrying my son. I hate those days--days when I truly hate myself. But I know I'm lucky, too. My hubby and I nearly suffocated last night when I had the bright idea to light a fire in a one-bedroom apartment on only a mildly cool night. What was I thinkin'? But even when he woke with a small sinus infection in one eye, he still convinced me to go with him to a "volunteer" event outside of town. It was nice. We talked. My son played. With other kids. So nice. And he had a little girl hugging him, holding his hand, restraining him beneath a tablecloth to hold him by herself. She was only 3, so it was cute. And my son just loved her by the end of the night. They cuddled on a bench at dinner, and he smiled a giddy smile. I left my camera in the car . . . What was I thinkin'? Take care, R October 27 It's been a while . . .My DSL was down and it took a while to figure out what was wrong. Then I had to wait between the hours of 1 and 5 pm yesterday for a repair person, who actually came at 5:45. What a waste of a day! But the DSL is back. My trip to SA ended up more stressful than I would have liked, but it was nice to see everyone. I got to spend a bit more time with my mom since I spent more time at her apartment with E. He didn't sleep very much at all on Friday night and he was predictably cranky on Saturday. He just cried a lot for no reason and threw little tantrums. Much like he's doing right now because I took something away from him that he kept hitting against his face and hurting himself. Now he's mad that I took it away so he won't hurt himself. Ahh, the irony of parenting. Sunday was better. I had to leave my car overnight at Wal-Mart where I got new tires, since I couldn't get back over there before the auto department closed. So CJ picked me up after her class and we got the car and stopped for coffee before I had to leave. It was nice to just sit and relax for a while, and E was in a better mood. And the weather was nice, so we could sit outside with Benny. We just relaxed and chatted, then I had to leave. In Austin, I picked up C at his friend's house on the way back to FW. His friend's wife gave us a bunch of old baby clothes that would fit E, so we even got him a jacket which he had been needing. It's been cold up here . . . Well, colder than San Antonio. Lots and lots of wind today, 32 mph. It makes the building creak and the windows crack. The dog keeps barking at the sounds. I loaded some pics of C's Emmy, so you can see it is a real thing he really did win and such. He took the picture in his truck and you can see our apartments in the background. Hopefully I will have some updated pics of the house soon, showing tons of progress. Well, I can hope, can't I? I want a place to live! And, good news, my health insurance covers 90 percent of reduction mammaplasty, which I have been in dire need of. I may actually get to do this soon . . . It's a scary thought, but the relief is long awaited. Guess that's about everything. That way I can entertain everyone with my next post without pesky updates of the details of my boring life. I know. I'm soooo entertaining! (Feed my ego a bit here, folks!) Thanks for reading. Take care. R October 23 Guess what?Today I am officially married to an Emmy winner! Yep! Pretty cool, huh? E is sick, so I'm on standby and unable to blog. Just a quick note. Take care! R October 20 Going to San Antonio!I have a lot of stuff to do now--pack, clean, drive . . . I'd better quit blogging and get to it! R October 19 Survey1. What is your occupation? Domestic Procurement and Services Coordinator 3. What are you listening to right now? Video game noises from my son's game system4. What was the last thing that you ate? Coffee 5. Can you drive a stick shift? Only if you never need the transmission again 6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? A magic morphable crayon7. The last person you spoke to on the phone? Probably my husband or someone at my doctor's office 8. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Naw, my enemies like to get to know me 9. How old are you today? I don't know . . . How old do I look?10. Favorite drink? Coffee--you have to ask? 11. What is your favorite sport to watch? Basketball--Go Spurs! 12. Pets? A 5-year-old Pomeranian, Benny, and a 10-year-old rabbit, Meope 14. Favorite food? Pretty much anything that's bad for me (except that poisonous fish they eat in 15. What was the last movie you watched? Over The Hedge, Something The Lord Made (both were great) 16. What do you do to vent anger? Drink coffee! 17. What was your favorite toy as a child? A stuffed horse named Derby Dan 18. What is your favorite season fall or spring? I love them both equally, just in different ways20. Cherries or Blueberries? Cherries--why do you want to know? 21. Do you want your friends to email you back? No. 22. Who is most likely to respond? None of 'em23. Who is least likely to respond? All of 'em 24. Living arrangements? A 1-bedroom apartment with my husband, dog, rabbit, and 3-year old, but 26. What is on the floor of your closet? Carpet 28. What did you do last night? Watched tv and cried myself to sleep--no, wait, did I watch 30. What inspires you? Art31. What are you afraid of? Everything! Oh, no! Words! Ahhh! A keyboard! Ahhh! 32. Favorite dog breed? Miniature poodles like my dear departed33. Number of keys on your key ring? 3--should be 4, but I lost the key to my storage unit and had 34. Favorite day of the week? Any day that isn't crushingly, painfully like the one 35. How many states have you lived in? One--thanks for reminding me!36. Favorite holiday? Blow Stuff Up Day. Or Tamale Day. 37. Ever driven a motorcycle or heavy machinery? Can't say that I have--well, I could, but I'd be 38. Ever left the country? Yes, a whopping 4 times! 39. Favorite kind of music? Whatever I don't have a tolerance level for40. Last book you read? I CAN'T READ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ehhhh . . .Not much really going on here. I've been really lethargic lately. Don't even feel like blogging. Don't even feel like being awake. But I went to the doctor yesterday morning, and so far so good. My test results for last time were good. Oh, and what doctor doesn't tell you to get some exercise? But I had gained 3 lbs since my last appointment, so he asked that I try a little harder. And he said that breast reduction surgery might be an option in the future since I have a hard time exercising due to that. I hope we'll be able to do that--I don't know if I can stand another year like this. I hurt all the time, and my bras just don't cut it. Stairs are a nemesis, as well as running. And speed bumps . . . Well, I could go on, but I digress. I am to visit Millie today to help cheer her up. She's been stuck in bed since a medical procedure earlier in the week, and she could probably use some company. And maybe some coffee. I might go to San Antonio this weekend, might not. I haven't decided yet. I would be taking E with me and sleeping on the sofa. I'll have to think about that. But C is going to Austin to visit friends, so I thought it would be a good chance to hitch a ride. We'll see how that plays out. I would like to do something here that would allow me to make some friends. Something like curling or jewelry-making or something fun. But the closest place for curling is in Duncanville, which isn't very close now and will be farther away once we move. And I really don't know where to look to find other activities. Maybe if I made friends I would like being here a bit more. Well, guess that's enough whining on the internet, so I will go for now. I just wanted people to know I'm still here and going on. Take care, R October 16 Overdue ThanksI think it's about time I write a bit about my husband, who has been so great through all of this. I haven't really talked about him in this blog a lot in any substantial way, mostly to avoid being too sappy, but I think I should finally mention a few things. First of all, he is one of the few people who is not threatened by my relationship with my sister. You'd be surprised (or maybe not!) how many men I've met who tried to come between my sister and I, thinking he and I would never be close as long as my sister and I were close. But he has been as close to my idea of a member of the family as anyone could be, acting like a brother and a son to my sisters and my parents, it really warms my heart. Here's an example of his acting like a brother: My sister CJ, C and I were riding scooters around in the parking lot one day, when CJ attempted to jump over a speed bump and hit it head on, then fell flat on her face in the asphault. We had to rush home to keep her face from swelling up, bandaged her head, her knees, medicated her hands and scrapes all over, and she eventually went home and recuperated. She would still ride her scooter from time to time to my apartment, since we all lived in the same complex. On a day a few weeks later, she visited my apartment and needed to go home after staying late. She made a passing comment that she had forgotten her scooter and it would have been easier to ride it down the hill to her apartment than walking. "You can just scoot home on your knees--you've done that before," says C, looking as serious as could be! CJ looked confused for a moment, then broke out laughing! Whew! That was the first time he had really given her a good brotherly ribbing, and she took it well. After that, they've always been able to treat each other like that, and he gives her a hug every time he sees her. He has always been supportive of my health problems and my mental state, which is quite a challenge in itself. I don't know of anyone who would willingly put up with all the hardships of being with a bipolar person whether I'm on my meds or not. He'll rub my shoulders and stick by me when I need some company, make me laugh when I'm depressed, act like a kid when I want to, and never give me a hard time about my Starbucks addiction. Know what else? He is a great father! That is an incredibly attractive quality in my book! You should see how he rolls around on the floor with our son, plays ball, tackles him, reads him bedtime stories, takes him around the city for little surprises, gets him to laugh during diaper changes, bounces him around on his shoulders, and just all around spends time with him and takes good care of him. They are both happy together. The look forward to seeing each other. C will watch him sleep when he hears a scary story about babies on the news, have him talk to his grandmother on the phone, give him big hugs when he comes home, and watch cartoons with him. It's all so sweet and so kind, I don't know if I could have married a better father. He's fantastic! He's handsome, funny, creative, smart, generous, friendly, thoughtful, sympathetic, strong, and optimistic. He's a good friend and partner. I just love spending time with him and hearing from him on the phone when he's gone. I can't think of anyone else I'd like to see or hear from every day. I look forward to the end of his work days so we can spend time together. Weekends are the best since I can have fun with him all day. I'll have to tell the story of how we met sometime, since it's unusual. But for now, I think I'll go back to being a mom for a while. I will be back soon, and I hope this message expresses some amount of what I feel for this wonderful man I share my life with. Take care, R October 14 Missing . . .Feeling lonely today. But I don't feel like company. I guess I just need some private time to think about things. I keep thinking about my Qui-Qui--how I miss him sometimes! I had such a good friend in him, I still find it odd to be without him. Not that Benny isn't a good buddy--he is! And we've gotten closer recently. I love my Ben-Ben. But Qui-Qui and I had such things in common, like a love for travel, nature, hiking . . . He just loved roaming about in the car with me. Ben doesn't like that. That's okay. But it's harder to spend time with a dog when I don't feel like being home and he doesn't want to go with me. You might think it's odd, but I was thinking about Michael Hutchence today. I have a photo of when we met back in 1992, but my sis has it. Or else I'd post it. But it was so cool to meet some of my favorite musicians and singers, and I had a great time. I love INXS music. When Michael passed, it took months for me to listen to them again, since it made me too sad. Then I finally just felt like listening, so I spend a couple of days just listening and crying over my favorite songs. I felt a bit better after that. Just finding a way to deal with it. That's a key, isn't it? A key to finding happiness in life--finding the strength to accept the things you cannot change. I can't change that Qui-q is gone, or that Michael passed. Hey, I didn't even know Michael. I can't change that I lost 2 brothers-in-law. I wish I could. I can try to change the lonliness, though. I watched some INXS videos and performances today. I swear, I love JD. I think he's great. Looks like a born rock star. I don't think that makes me love Michael any less. I can't help it, but I wanted the band to go on. I didn't want to say goodbye to all of them because we lost the singer. I love those songs and I couldn't wait to hear them live again. So I'm glad the band took the time to find someone who fit, and that they would be like a family, and that the fans could become involved in the decision, that they could start to get to know the person from the beginning. I started out a skeptic--I had (and probably still have) mixed feelings about the whole TV thing, but I think the band did, too. They needed to find someone somehow and reach a lot of people at once. Well, that's my rambling speech about INXS. Can I just say how absolutely HOT I think JD is, and I hope my hubby doesn't read this--well, if he does, I hope he doesn't read this the wrong way! I love you, Honey! You know I do! But how much I loved watching JD sing in person and how much fun the concert was . . . I wanted to touch his megaphone really bad! Maybe even . . . lick it a little? I don't know, just thinking out loud here. Just thinking out loud. Hey, I said megaphone, people! Me-Ga-Phone! What dirty minds, you folks have! Okay, better go before I get myself into trouble! Take care, and don't be afraid to come back! R Coffee!I need coffee! I just don't sleep as well in a tiny 1-bedroom apartment as I do when I have an actual bedroom. I'm still sleepy. Maybe I'm always going to feel like that, and I should just DEAL. I don't know. I see the doctor in about a week. I had to delete yesterday's blog at the request of C, I had some comments he did not want me to have public. Oh, well. Sorry, darling! But then I had to delete the whole thing, so none of what was there could stay. Sorry about deleting the comments . . . I did read them, and thank you so much for thinking of me and taking the time to comment. It was appreciated! I will have to post some pictures as soon as I load them into the computer. Can't play with the camera since E is standing right here and in front of the keyboard. But I want to post a picture of my house, my future house, as they are beginning to put bricks around the bottom. There are smaller groups of bricks spaced around the perimeter. I can't wait to see it start to take shape. Oh, something funny E said yesterday while we were shopping--"I'm a business cat." What? What? . . . What? I could not have expected him to say that in a million years! He just said that out of the blue, just told me like I needed to know. I asked him if he said that or if he said "fitness cat" since as he repeated it I wasn't sure. Then he looked surprised and happy and excitedly took the title of "Fitness Cat". I still don't know what that means. But he liked it. Well, time for meds and coffee. I will be back soon for a more proper blog entry. I can't really be clever when I'm this out-of-sorts. I will be back. Thanks again for reading. I appreciate it. Sorry again to have to delete a post. Take care, all. R October 10 Day of PoopCan't think of anything else to call it--just the "Day of Poop." Yesterday was nothing but cleaning up poop. I had no less than 3 messy diaper changes from E, and Ben-Ben made a mess on his fur and dropped bits all over the apartment, then I had to clean his fur, which became a full-fledged bath, then I had to clean out the bathtub, then I had to clean the kitchen floor, then the microwave (luckily, no poop there), and just general cleaning all day long. It stank, literally and figuratively. ICK! Sometimes my life is the antithesis of glamor. Today I got to go to the grocery store, and E and I had milkshakes from Braum's. Now I need to clean out my rabbit's cage, but I really don't feel like having another poop day! She really needs it, though. What kind of rabbit mom would I be if I didn't take care of her? I really don't want to do it . . . I REALLY don't want to. But it smells sooooooo bad, I almost gagged when I let her out of her cage this morning. Well, guess I'd better make dinner for me and the E, and hopefully for my rabbit, I won't come up with any other excuses to put her off. Including this blog. Okay, bye for now! R October 09 As promised . . .A blog entry for Monday! I'm getting good at this conscientious thing! Okay, here goes: I had a lovely trip to San Antonio over the weekend. Got to visit my Mom, Dad, Sister CJ, and good friend, H. We had a good time just talking a lot and drinking Starbucks. And I got some Tex-Mex! Wow, how I needed that! I had some great fajitas at a local place I used to visit frequently. Maybe too frequently. They're almost single-handedly responsible for at least 10 of my extra pounds! But it was good, fun, and too short. I had to break in to my own storage unit since once I got down there, I realized I had forgotten the key! Oh, what a dum-dum! I was trying so hard to remember all of the things I thought I would forget, that I forgot the one thing I thought I would not forget! Very typical, I tell ya . . . I was not happy. But my Dad had bolt-cutters and he generously bought me a new lock. CJ helped me get to the things I needed in the storage. She popped off her shoes and climbed over our junk like it was a mountain. Very nice of her. I sure was glad to have some help, and some company. Then we stopped off to get some "Hispanic Pastries" at a little bakery. Actually, we just call it Mexican bread, or sweet bread. That way I had some goodies to bring home with me. Then I had to leave. Hey, have you ever noticed how all furniture that is stuffed in the back of a truck on the highway looks like junk? I'm not saying the furniture IS junk, I'm just saying that something about having it stuffed in the back of a truck makes it LOOK like junk. I know how my stuff must have looked to other drivers. Well, some of it probably IS junk, but nonetheless . . . Drinking coffee and blogging here. I don't know what to do today. I have a sore throat and I don't feel very energetic. I think I may have some sleep apnea since I've been told I snore and sometimes I feel like I have trouble breathing at night. Then I have a hard time getting out of bed. And it's not always depression. I'm like "drunk" tired, know what I mean? Can't think, talk, walk . . . tired. So I don't know how much I'll get done today. Maybe some cleaning up around here. Won't do laundry. The machines here are so small they force you to make two loads out of one, so it was $4 to do ONE load of laundry here! Ridiculous! I can't wait to have my washer and dryer back. And to have more than one room to live in. Time just crawls by sometimes. Well, I will blog ya later. Take care. R October 06 30 DaysHi! Just for visiting today (or prior to Monday) you get a special bonus! Yes, a bonus, direct from me! So, what is this bonus, you ask? It's a BONUS blog entry! WooHoo! Yea! @#&*@ yeah! Okay, not a great bonus, but what more can you ask from a freak like me? Hmm? I ask you . . . So this blog is merely a plug for a new show I began watching through the wonder of Netflix. It's called "30 Days" and is from the entertaining Morgan Spurlock of Supersize Me fame. I have a little "thank you" for Mr. Spurlock for the show about Islam, as I realize just how little I knew about the religion and about the Muslim culture. I wish everyone, when confronted with something they know nothing about, would actually spend time learning about it before forming snap judgements. I do not proclaim to be a religious expert, nor a Christian one (in actuality I am an atheist) but I do try to learn about things I disagree with in order to make sure I am not misunderstanding what I think I disagree with. I always appreciate the Christians I meet who take the time to listen and understand me, rather than trying to convert me or spout Bible verses at me. So I try to listen to their point-of-view as well. It's what I would call a human courtesy. So while we all have images in our minds of what terrorists look like and what Muslims are like, I would hope we would take the time to learn. And also, try to take the time to empathize what people in different walks of life go through on a day-to-day basis. The stares and searches and rude comments can't be easy for Muslims to deal with, and we all tend to think of everyone as having a thicker skin than we do. Muslims are human beings. Poor people are human beings. Mentally ill people are human beings. Minorities are human beings. Let's stop and think about that. Treat people the way we would like to be treated. Wait, don't assume you do it already. Don't assume you are open-minded without thinking about what it really means. I hear people who think they are not racist make racist comments all the time. Maybe they are not insulting another race, but complimenting it, but it is racist all the same. If you are differentiating people on the basis or race and making a generalization, it is a racist comment. If you say, "Black babies are so cute!" and "Mexicans are strong people!" and "I had a friend in school who was black," you are being racist. I appreciate that you aren't mean about it, I like that you don't immediately hate minorities, but please try to see people as people and not as races. I would appreciate that. I do stick myself in categories sometimes. We all do. But I don't want people to make assumtions about me for something I have no control over. Giving me a compliment is no different. Saying, "Twins are so fascinating to me!" is saying that twins are the same. That we are all fascinating for no reason other than being born. Wow. Thanks. I would rather be fascinating for some other reason, say for something I've done. Okay, tangent alert! Sorry about that. But give the show 30 Days a chance if you can. I don't have cable, so I can't tell you when or where it's on. But you can rent it, so by all means do so. It's entertaining and informative. All right now. Time to bathe and pack a bag for San Antonio. Then I have some little errands before I go. But I will return and continue to give the internet a bad name! Take care! R October 05 While I have a few moments . . .I thought I would blog a bit. Just a tip for bipolar/depressed people in the world--eventually, you will reach the limitations of your medications. Yep, I'm there. It's possible I just need to have my meds re-evaluated by a psychiatrist. I got the go-ahead from the insurance company. As I wrote that, I realize I had to say "psychiatrist". My psychiatrist. Oh, I never thought I would have to say that. Never thought I'd be a person who needed a psychiatrist. Doesn't that mean I'm truly insane? Doesn't that mean I am certifiably, irrefutably, definitively insane? Oh, my . . . What a moment that is when you first call the insurance company to say you might need to see someone. I wonder what they think about getting calls like that all day long. Do they think I'm some kind of a wussy, that I'm making it up, that I'm a whiney loser, that I'm a scary lunatic . . . ? I wonder . . . I remember applying for a job at a temp agency once. The lady at the reception desk told me that a psychiatrist's office was upstairs, and sometimes people came in there asking for directions to the office. I remember thinking, Oh, my! How frightening! Insane people come in here regularly! Do they look insane? Do they wear tin foil on their heads and tell you aliens are reading your mind? Do they come in and babble and drool all over the place? Shows you what I know. I really had no idea how normal people with mental problems can be. I think most people probably don't know that. I didn't know I was bipolar for years, and no one told me they thought it was a possibility. So it must not have been totally obvious. But I think most mentally ill are like that, and the ones who are obvious have probably been ill for a while or need help very badly. They just may not know it. You live in the reality you are dealt. Now reality is so much easier to deal with than it was before. My old life was so much work to maintain, I never even realized how tiring it could be. All of the anxiety over everything, the inability to let go of anger or sadness . . . I couldn't even order a coffee at Starbucks without thinking I was making a fool of myself. Now I really don't care. If I make a fool of myself, I know that person has probably been there. They know what it's like to look like an idiot. It doesn't matter. And the road rage while driving is gone. I don't think about the person who cut me off for more than a second after it happens, instead of carrying that anger with me long after reaching my destination. And to make a phone call is such a simple thing. I can't believe how much I stressed out over it before! How much easier life is on my medications, even at their limits. Even when I'm impatient, antsy, sad . . . I am dissatisfied with my life right now, but I know I won't always feel this way. It's a reassuring thought to know that I've been better at some point, even if I'm not right now. Well, today is a chore day. I need a Diaper Genie refill, bread, and prescriptions. Maybe more coffee. Yeah, more coffee. And I'm planning a trip to San Antonio this weekend, so I probably won't blog until Monday. If I get a chance, I'll give you all an update on what's going on. But for now I'll say Monday. Take care, R October 01 DepressionFor no reason I can discern last night I had a mood shift and now I'm depressed. It can happen as easily as that. Nothing happened. I was even having a good time. I was laughing, I was happy. Now I'm depressed. Not just kind of down, but depressed. I hate it when I feel like this. To try to describe it to someone who has never been clinically depressed is difficult. A lot of people may think they've been depressed when they were just in a bad mood or something. They always tell me what they did to get out of it, and that it would work for me. No. It won't. I'm not being difficult, I promise. I don't do this for sympathy. I don't do it to get attention. I don't want to be depressed. I have plenty to occupy my mind. I don't need a job. I have one, and it is work, trust me. Don't assume you know until you've been here. The only way I can think of to describe true depression is to say it feels like you're grieving, only you haven't lost anything. It feels like that horrible, horrible feeling when just being alive hurts, when you just feel agony every second, when you want to be by yourself and cry. It's that feeling you can't shake, you just live with it. It's like you're grieving for someone very close to you. Those who have grieved know what I mean. I've lost people close to me. It hurts all the time, all day long. It doesn't take much to make you cry. All you want to do is end it, somehow. You would do anything to end it. If only there was a non-permanent way to end it . . . I think about killing myself every now and then. I was well into my twenties before I realized that not everyone thinks about suicide. I used to think it was normal, and that everyone thought about it from time to time. I would just promise myself to go through ONE more day, just one more, before I would act on that impulse. Then I would have gone through the day, and then the next, because I would make that promise again, and again. I can't say it was easy. But I've been so bad I could barely make it through to the next HOUR, let alone a day. I remember a feeling of hopelessness, of utter fear, just not knowing how I would do it. I'm not quite that bad today. But I feel pretty lonely. My husband is going to lunch with an old friend he hasn't seen in years, and it could give him some networking potential for a better job, so I wanted him to go. But now I'm stuck here today, with only errands to do. I don't want to do anything. I am only typing here because I didn't type this last night, and I feel a sense of responsibility here. I hope anyone who reads this understands what I'm trying to do. If you know someone who is depressed, please take it seriously. It can literally be life-threatening. Give them support to get help. Don't treat them like they are weak or just need to snap out of it. Don't tell them they are lazy, or that they have no reason to be depressed. I hate that one. "He has everything going for him. He doesn't have any reason to be depressed." That's a quote from the mother of a depressed teenager at a support group meeting I went to. It doesn't work like that. It really doesn't. Well, I will try to salvage this day and be a good mother. I'll do my errands. I'll play with my son. It's all I can do but wait for this to pass, try to recognize it for what it is. I will be back, I promise. Love, R |
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